While I was thinking about all the books I am reading and all zero of the reviews they have generated, I had an epiphany.
I am doing some major avoidance. And it is a life long pattern. Serious business here, cause I am effectively putting my life on hold and treading water.
But I'm not sure why.
One of the ways I avoid (life, I guess) is by making myself busy.
(Others include procrastination and fear.)
• Reading 3 books simultaneously
Whatever I have to do to NOT be alone with my thoughts.
Totally weird. I think this round might be about depression (a common malady for me.) I have a history of mood swings. I also have a history of low self esteem.
But I think I am fighting back now. The membership to the gym and actually going everyday after work is good for my mind even if I'm not seeing a change on the scale yet.
Its all cyclic. I get depressed. I multitask. I'm so busy I don't get anything done. I get depressed because I am stuck in a rut. I multitask to feel productive...
So time to get things done. Guess I will make a list.
• Hubby's Quilt (been on hold for 5 years now. Not cool.)
• Taylor's Kindle case (all I have to do is spray glue the felt inside!)
• Personal writing (every Saturday I have a deadline. Working good so far even if I write the stories on Friday or Saturday morning.)
• Portfolio pictures for online use (I've got the directions on how to set up the lighting. Even tried it out for my sis.)
• Resume update (this one is huge. I am always worried that I could get cut in the next round of NYState Budget cuts. Having an uptodate resume will help me feel better. But it feels like a gargantuan task.)
• Personal fitness (In progress! Come summer, will have a friend to walk with too.)
• Financial fitness (Ugg. Just bought Handsome a new wardrobe and cell phone. Currently renovating the bedroom. In the process of buying a new car. Considering an Ipad.)
That's where my head is right now.
It's nice to get it out a little. I chatted with Handsome about it last night and he made an eye opening comment. He has noticed it throughout the 12 years we have been together. He used to think I was avoiding telling him something difficult, but caught on after a while that it was something inside my head. The fact that he has been aware of this phenomenon for so long... just means this is serious. I need to get my life moving again. I want to see the world. I want to create. I don't want to just be.